Sunday, August 18, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Subject: Deep Thoughts .....I have kleptomania,But when it gets bad,I take something for it.Heaven is Where:The Police are British,The Chefs are Italian,The Mechanics are German,The Lovers are French andIt's all organized by the Swiss.Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.Welcome to UtahSet your watch back 20 years.In just two days from now,Tomorrow will be yesterday.A bartender is just a pharmacistWith a limited inventoryI may be schizophrenic,But at least I have each other.I am a Nobody.Nobody is Perfect.Therefore I am Perfect.KENTUCKY:Five million people,Fifteen last names.I'm not your type.I'm not inflatable.Dyslexics Have More Nuf.In MemoriamWith all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, whichalmost went unnoticed a while back, Larry LaPrise, the man whowrote The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The mosttraumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They puthis left leg in. And then the trouble started.I LOVE COOKING WITH WINESometimes I even put it in the food.When you work here,You can name your own salary.I named mine, "Fred".Money isn't everything,But it sure keeps the kids in touch.Red meat is not bad for youFuzzy green meat is bad for you.I am having an out-of-money experience.As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong wayon 280 Interstate. Please be careful!""It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"Don't sweat the petty things.Don't pet the sweaty things.Corduroy pillows are making headlines!I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.Impossibilities in the world1- You can't count your hair.2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.Please put your tongue back inside your mouth, you look stupid.(Had to send on, I fell for it too!)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase
is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of
a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work
that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need
a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding
someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any
more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in
such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home
even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice
of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that
the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese."
~ Jon Hammond
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom & has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead